Friendsgiving Critique #2

friendsgivingfeedbackQuery #2 was one I picked out because I love UF and I haven’t seen Norse mythology done well recently (maybe I missed a book?). 

The original query is in black, my notes are in red, and my rewrite is at the bottom. 
– L 

 

MARK OF THE VALKYRIE is a 75,000 word contemporary fantasy novel that should appeal to fans of the October Daye books by Seannan McGuire and the Mercy Thompson series by Patricia Briggs. This paragraph should be at the bottom. Start with a sentence that demands attention.

Erin Hawke is the daughter of a Valkyrie, but prefers Scrabble to spear practice, and running her pub to heroic adventuring. Her mother, Sigrun, is intent on forging Erin into her image of a Valkyrie, despite Erin’s longstanding belieif belief that Choosing the Slain is the furthest thing from what she wants to do for eternity. Fed up with having a disappointment for a daughter, Sigrun gives Erin a test with her life on the line Cut this (. Erin must) find the source of an interdimensional disturbance that is drawing the Nine Worlds dangerously close together. Erin has to remember her much ignored lessons to complete this task.

Her challenge will take her through the turbulence between the Nine Worlds, where she’ll face problems bartending never prepared her for. Fighting rock wyrms and Dark Elves will be the least of her worries. Combine those two sentences for more snap and clarity. Erin will need to learn what secrets Sigrun has been keeping from her. Secrets that could lead to destruction that makes Ragnarok look like a nice day at the park. Failing this test means losing the life she’s worked to build, but success means leaving her home to join the ranks of the Valkyrie. It’s up to Erin to find an outcome more to her liking. I’d like a punchier ending. All the details of a good query are here, but it’s lacking a Voice. I want to hear you in the story. I want to hear the author’s confidence and humor and emotion in a query. This sounds very sterile. It’s clean, but it’s needs the author’s final touch to make it perfect.

MARK OF THE VALKYRIE is the first in a series. Say instead, “has series potential” … you will need to be able to sell this as a stand alone. The market is volatile and a series can be a tough sell. Not that it can’t happen, but the rule of thumb is that the first book should always be able to stand alone. My urban fantasy short story “Daybreak” was published in Salt Lake Community College’s Folio magazine.

This is a very clean query so there isn’t much to rewrite. This is what I came up with…

Erin Hawke loves Scrabble, watching Animal Planet, and running the Bastard’s Brew, her beloved Irish pub in Ohio. It’s a perfect life, except it’s not exactly hers. Erin was born as a Valkyrie, one of the Choosers of Slain meant to bring worthy souls to Valhalla, and her mother is p****ed she’s not practicing with a spear or riding into battle reaping souls.

Her mother, Sigrun, decides there’s only one reasonable way to solve their impasse: send Erin to find the source of an interdimensional disturbance between the Nine Worlds or die trying. If Erin returns victorious she’ll be swept up with the rest of the Norse pantheon. If she fails, Sigrun has arranged a tasteful funeral. Either way, there is no Scrabble in her future.

Bartending didn’t prepare Erin to fight rock wyrms or Dark Elves, but she’s bright enough to know that Sigrun isn’t telling the whole truth. There are secrets in Valhalla that could make Ragnarok look like a nice day at the park. Maybe, if she can unravel the lies spun around her, Erin can save the day and get back to mixing cocktails before happy hour. Or maybe she’ll find out of Hel is any good at Scrabble.

MARK OF THE VALKYRIE is a 75,000 word contemporary fantasy novel with series potential that should appeal to fans of the October Daye books by Seannan McGuire and the Mercy Thompson series by Patricia Briggs. My urban fantasy short story “Daybreak” was published in Salt Lake Community College’s Folio magazine.

Readers, what do you think? Leave feedback in the comments below and don’t forget to check out the Romantic Suspense query HERE

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