Now, Ladies... I understand your confusion at finding an eloquent, intelligent, well-dressed, heterosexual man here rather than the promised muscle-bag "hero" society normally foists off on you. It makes sense after a fashion. If the "hero" is too stupid to think his way out of a wet paper bag then the universe must at least have blessed him with a cock that would make a horse envious.
To which I say: steroids.
All those muscle-bound meat heads are limp as month-old celery. You can't get them up with viagra, and let's face it, you could have a better conversation with your vibrator.
Now, I'm not suggesting a threesome - Tabitha doesn't like to share - but I feel it is my duty as a pillar of the super villain community to promote the villains. Really, give evil geniuses a chance.
Just look at what the typical hero has to offer....
BROODING STARE - Perfected in Gothic romances placed on windswept moors the Brooding Hero stares off into the distance, a wall of impenetrable mystique. Do you know why he's staring? Because there's buggerall else to do, his entire conversational (and probably sexual) experience revolves around sheep, and the last two brain cells he hasn't drunk into oblivion are dying of loneliness and neglect. Bang him if you like, but remember to bathe after. Sheep have fleas and so does he.
HELPFUL NEIGHBOR - I thought the video for "Call Me Maybe" was all the hint you needed. Yes, he's sweet. He'll change your tire, take you shoe shopping, and remember your birthday. He also kisses a picture of me before bed every night. Give up and buy batteries, this guy will never give you what you want.
THE MAN WITH A PAST - He's been wounded, betrayed, and abandoned. He has Issues. He's fifty shades of In Need Of A Therapist. Did you want a lover who you could trust with your heart, body, and soul? To bad, you adopted the equivalent of the ugly dog who isn't housebroken. Sure, he's so ugly he's almost cute, and there's a chance for kinky sex, but at the end of the day you're stuck with a guy who has the emotional maturity of bait fish.
Rather than kiss your dreams goodbye, why not kick the "hero" out and find a real man. Here's my list of what to look for in a potential Soulmate based on seven years of happy marriage (and a few very rocky months).
PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION - He will never forget your birthday. He will never forget your anniversary. He will never give you a smelly jacket leftover from high school instead of a real present. Sure, the brooding man on the moors can give you a crumbling castle, but the Evil Overlord can you give you the world.
MINIONS - Do you know what the market price of a good babysitter is? I don't, I have minions. When my wife wants to go to see the latest movie, or spend the night at the museum we leave the kids with my hyper-intelligent (because I designed them that way) minions and go out. No calling around trying to find a teenager who is both responsible enough to tie their own shoes AND single. Nope. We just go. As the bumper sticker says: No Minions, No Romance.
THE ABILITY TO IMPROVISE - Every good villain knows that no plan survives first contact with the enemy. As such, every successful villain has learned to think on the fly. We are used to the capricious whims of fate, which means super villains are prepared to adapt to your changing needs. A woman's mind moves quickly, like a supercomputer you can consider many options at once and change topics at speeds that leave a "hero" with whiplash. Your average Man With A Past won't even notice, because he never listens. But a villain? A villain will not only listen to every word you say but will have an informed opinion, a shoulder to cry on, and chocolate. True, it may be stolen chocolate, but it's chocolate and it's your favorite kind.
Now, wouldn't you rather spend your night with a super villain. Crime isn't the only thing we excel at...
Because this is a blog hop I've been persuaded to give away more than just good advice that will improve your love life immeasurably. First, a $10 gift certificate to Tabitha's favorite sock store, SOCK DREAMS. Second, a copy of my story EVEN VILLAINS FALL IN LOVE, because I think we need to spend more time together. (How many heroes tell you that and aren't trying to get you out of your pants? That's right: none.)
The blog hop grand prizes are as follows:
1st Grand Prize: A Kindle Fire or Nook Tablet
2nd Grand Prize: A $50 Amazon or B&N Gift Card
3rd Grand Prize: The following Swag Pack!
Winning is simple, just leave a comment with your email address below. I'd love to hunt down a winner if they forgot, but I promised my wife I would give up the criminal life, and I keep my promises at least ninety-eight percent of the time. You can earn extra entries for this blog by tweeting, facebooking, blogging, or buying... just hit the buttons on the rafflecopter widget.
If you do not see links below click HERE to go to the main hop page.
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